I am online for a good portion of any weekday: 8 hours at my job, and an hour or two most nights from home. During the course of any given week, I’m probably exposed to about 50 hours of the web, and during that time I come across plenty of things that I wish I hadn’t seen. When I came across these little nuggets of pus in the past, I would just die a little bit inside and move on. But now I’m keeping them all in a folder labeled “rubbish”, and I’ll pull them out on a somewhat regular basis for all to see. At least we can all suffer together.

Here we go, in no particular order (they all suck, so it doesn’t really matter):

1. News Story: Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests

I came upon this article in the New York Times:

When Virgilio Cintron, 66, died at his apartment at 436 West 52nd Street recently, his roommate and a friend saw an opportunity to cash his $355 check, the police said.

The roommate, James P. O’Hare, and his friend, David J. Dalaia, both 65 and unemployed, placed Mr. Cintron’s body in the chair and wheeled it around the corner, south along Ninth Avenue on Tuesday afternoon, the police said. The men parked the chair with the corpse in front of Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue, a check-cashing business that Mr. Cintron had patronized.

I cannot even begin to fathom what was going through these guys’ minds. All “Weekend at Bernie’s” humor aside, what did they think was going to happen? No one’s going to notice a dead body in an office chair on a sidewalk in the middle of Manhattan? And even if no one noticed, who in their right mind . . . you know what? Never mind. It’s not worth getting worked up over. Let’s just move on.

2. Glamorous Cat Wigs

This site is not a joke. At least I don’t think it is. They sell cat wigs, just in case your cat wants to look more idiotic than it already does. And look, they even have their own Flickr group, where proud owners can post pictures of their cats dogs in the cat wigs. Good grief.

3. News Story: Blue Man Leaves Oregon in Search of Acceptance

So this guy turned blue, and now he’s leaving Oregon to search for acceptance in California. I don’t feel sorry for him at all, and here’s why:

What Karason did was use a substance called colloidal silver, which is made by extracting silver from metal. It goes into water with an electrical current and then you drink it. Colloidal silver is billed as something that will cure just about everything that ails you and Karason swears by it.

Karason does not believe drinking the potion is what caused his discoloration. He believes it happened because he rubbed it on his face to treat a skin problem. A medical condition called Argyria has been linked to such discoloration since the days when silver solutions were used as antibiotics.

The article also states that he began his transformation 14 years ago. 14 years! He’s done this to himself, and he’s had plenty of time to change his ways, but chose not to. It’s not like he just woke up one day and was blue. I guess it sucks that he changed color, but he knew what he was doing, and he doesn’t deserve any sympathy for crying about his community’s lack of acceptance. Whatever.

4. Just . . . Yuck

http://www.sillyhumor.com/screenclean/index.html

“Silly Fun Page”, my chapped ass. I want the last 20 seconds of my life back.

5. The Worst Wrinkle Ad Ever

I saw this ad on a site the other day, and I busted out laughing. I know it’s a wrinkle cream ad, but who looks like this? I mean seriously, come on! It’s like they took a normal-looking woman and told their Photoshop guy to go nuts with her face.

“Make her look like a mummy, Roger. An old one.”
“Aren’t all mummies old?”
“Just shut up and do it, idiot.”
“Yes, sir.”

Indivdual results may vary, indeed. If you’re not a digital image, I think they’re gonna vary a lot.

Also, as an extra-special bonus, the Dermitage site wins this week’s award for “Most Obscenely Long (And Unnecessary) URL.” When I went to pull the link to the homepage of the site, here’s what I was expecting: http://www.dermitage.com. But here’s what I got:

https://www.dermitage.com/index.html?p=
8a8488cd1139add0011139adf4
8d0004&r=ff808081115beb4301115
cd91c850106&SU
BID=dermitage&gclid=CI_tnpepg5ECFQ6CPAod
DyQQFg

Wow.

That’s all for the first batch, folks. I’ll have more in a week or two, if I can stomach seeing them again when I sit down to look through the rubbish pile.