Whenever I drive past Copp’s park,
where I used to go as a little kid,
where I played baseball enthusiastically,
and went swimming to escape the insufferable summer heat
(because back then we didn’t have AC),
and slid down the slide that seemed so tall,
and ran through the fields that seemed to stretch on
into the horizon,
I wonder what would have happened if things
worked out differently.

If I hadn’t started selling crack in that park
at the age of 14,
would my mother still love me?

Often underappreciated,
or at the least,
not talked about very often at all,
are the Scots.
But, they’ve given us such things as
golf
and Scotch
and that crazy Plaid pattern,
which I actually thought was a color when I was a kid,
until my mother called me a
retarded little Barbie doll,
even though I’m a boy,
and tickled me senseless
until I was crying.

The Scottish also gave us
Braveheart,
but no one really associates
the movie with the culture.
We mostly associate the movie with Mel Gibson.
And we mostly associate
Gibson with
drunken,
anti-Semitic behavior.
So, really, Scots hate Jews.

And… let’s see…
What else comes from Scotland?
Oh yeah, haggis.
Want to hear something
pretty fucking gross?
Something that makes a
pile of shit
sound like a mound of Technicolor happiness
and wonderment that smells like strawberries
and heals wounds
when you rub it on?

Haggis is –
literally –
a bunch of filling stuffed into a
SHEEP’S STOMACH
and then boiled.

It’s their national dish.

Christ on a cross.

Stay hot, Scots.