I was bored, so I started looking around for some funny news anchor moments. Have a look.

#1. Bird Infestation

If I told you what happened in this one, it would spoil the surprise. Wait for it . . .

#2. Model Trips on Runway

Every time I hear these guys laughing, I start up, too.

#3. Fun on the Sledding Hill

This anchor gets destroyed by a tuber, but still finishes the segment. He’s a pro, folks.

#4. Carnage and Laughter

This newsman got a fit of the giggles at the wrong time. You can tell me all day long that someone said something to him off-camera, and that’s why he’s laughing, but check out how his laughter intensifies at the 17-18 second mark, when he’s looking at the pieces of clothing on the ground. Stay hot, dude.

#5. They Clean Themselves With Urine

This guy cracks himself up with a funny observation, and then can’t hold it together for the rest of the segment. And he spits.

Okay all (by “all” I mean “all 3 of our readers”), I need to blow off a little fucking steam, so here are the top five things that I hate as of now. This list is subject to change at my discretion. If you don’t like that, kiss my hairy ass.

1. People who pass me on the right: you can go to hell. Are you really in that big of a hurry? I’m going to catch up with you, I do drive relativley fast. Do you think you’re better than everyone else? I hope you drop you drop the ball, flake out and slam into a parked car. And I hope you die in the crash and wake up at the DMV.

2. Stepping in water with a fresh pair of socks on: AAAAAAAHHH. SERIOUSLY. Why is there water on the ground in my apartment?! Either my roommate just got out of the shower, or the sink splashed or the ceiling leaked, but that has to be one of the most annoying feelings I know of.

3. The sound of a fork scraping against teeth: this just makes me shudder. Who actually uses thier teeth to scrape the food off of a fork? Doesn’t that vibrate uncomfortably? Well, if it doesn’t you’re lucky, but please stop doing it - it’s like nails on a chalkboard on steroids.

4. PETA: now, I love animals, and their rights, yada yada, but PETA is an organization brought together by Satan himself to single-handedly smite the human race. Any group that puts bunnies ahead of people on the “be nice to” scale deserves a kick in the shin with golf shoes. Man. Just mind your own fucking business. Yeah, I’m eating a burger. And, I’m saving a carrot. Murderers.

5. Yanni: always have, always will. ‘Nuff said.

Finding the hottest cooking show hosts was a lot easier than finding the hottest news anchors. Except I wrote this post as I ate two-day-old Chinese leftovers and some deli sandwiches that were also pretty old, so my meal experience was decidedly sub-par.

#5. Rachel Ray

I knew that if I didn’t put Rachel Ray in here, some people (you know who you are) would complain no end. So she’s in here at #5. As an added bonus, though, I’m including a clip of her show where Jessica Simpson comes on. That should help a little.

By the way, here’s my favorite quote I found while doing research on this topic: “Ray is hot, if you are into scratchy voices that come from someone that looks like they are either a pirate or have suffered a stroke.”

#4. Ingrid Hoffman

She’s in her early 40’s, and still very cute. Sorry, but I couldn’t get a decent video of her on Youtube, but you can get a good sense of how she looks from Google Images here.

#3. Julia Child

I’m sorry . . . I had to. This is, after all, a humor site.

#2. Nigella Lawson

Nigella makes it all the way up to #2 for one main reason: she’s almost 50, and she still looks like this. Wow! Love the British accent, too.

#1. Giada De Laurentiis

Giada seems to be the most normal one out of everyone on the list. She’s also the hottest. Before you tell me I’m wrong, watch the special bonus video.

(Candy Smokers, let me know if I missed any.)

#5. Santa with a Hooker
Yep. Not much more to say. A full-grown man, costume and all, during the holidays, with a hooker sitting on his lap. I bet I know what’s Santa’s present to her was . . .

#4. Bet She Didn’t See That Coming
When you’re riding a bus through the ghetto on a daily basis, you take your chances. The day when a girl on the bus had her hair set on fire by a nut job with a lighter forced me to consider alternative transportation choices. I wonder if it would have helped if the lighter was child-proof.

#3. The Positive Tourette’s Guy
Picture this: old black man in old dirty clothes who shouts out random things at random times at the top of his lungs. Tourette’s? Yes. The difference is, he yells out positive things . . . like “NICE JOB!” or “WE CAN DO THIS!” Positively inspiring, I tell you.

#2. The Urinator
I was on a long bus ride, and there was an old man sitting in the back seat. He was pretty shabby – maybe homeless, maybe not. The back of the bus began to smell, and block after block it got worse. People started migrating up to the front, until eventually he was alone back there. He got up quickly at one stop and ran out the door, leaving behind a puddle of urine on the back seat. It was the first and only time that I’ve seen every passenger on a bus share a laugh.

#1. The Drive-By
My brother was walking on the sidewalk as a bus pulled up to the stop. Someone leaned out of the window and shot him in the back of the head with a BB gun. After my brother ran serpentine into the nearest building and cleaned up the blood, he went about his business. About a week later he noticed that he still had a bump on the back of his head, and realized that the BB was still in there. He went to the doctor, got it removed, and kept it in a glass jar on his dresser for the next year.

(Candy Smokers, feel free to add any funny bus experiences of your own below.)

This post was a lot harder than I thought it would be . . . not because of an overabundance of beautiful news anchors, but because of a lack of them. Here is the final result.

#5. Jane Skinner

Best known for her “top cock” comment (video below), you have to admit she’s awfully cute.

#4. Laurie Dhue

Really on the fence with this one. Sometimes she looks like a bird. But birds are cute, right?

#3. Robin Meade

Not bad at all. About 50 seconds into the video, she mentions that she has the “puffy shirt” on today, giving a nod to Seinfeld. Good stuff.

#2. Jackie Guerrido

While just about everyone on Univision looks good, Jackie kicks it up a notch. She has very nice . . . hands.

#1. Melissa Theuriau

Simply beautiful. And she’s French, too! Even if you don’t understand what she’s saying, it still sounds good.

(Candy Smokers, let me know if I missed any.)