As I’m a pretty big fan of video games and being that they’re my #1 pastime, I like to think that I have a pretty solid grasp on what makes a truly great game. And for all you budding game designers out there, I offer you my countless hours of market research at no charge (but feel free to click an ad or 17):

10. Give players a number of choices for the type of character they play - i.e. a character really good at melee combat, but really shitty at ranged combat and simultaneously has the worst armor rating possible in the game (this is a no-brainer: who the hell needs protection when they’re in the thick of combat?). This will ensure maximum player deaths caused because you constantly

9. Surround the player with impossible odds - the more the better and if you can give each enemy in the horde you rape your players with a ridiculous number of hit points–all but ensuring maximum enjoyment by it taking upwards of 30 minutes (and 60+ deaths) to finish a single battle only to face a LARGER group with MORE hit points immediately afterward–you’ll be certain your players are getting their money’s worth in the form of pure excruciating frustration due to the massive amount of time it takes to make the tiniest bit of progress, compounded by the blinding rage you’ll foster in them when they die 2.3 seconds after respawning because you

8. Make the respawn/reload cinematic excruciatingly long and, most importantly, unskippable - so that players know dying isn’t just a natural part of the game that is going to happen and happen a fucking lot, but that it’s their fault and they need to be punished for your terrible fucking design choices. Gamers aren’t criminals. We know there are rules to follow and one of the biggest rules in any game is: DON’T DIE. They want to make it right and know what to do in the future so it doesn’t happen again. Allow them to do that by making sure they are spending ten times as long respawing (or more) as they are playing. Simultaneously make sure you

7. Prevent the most powerful abilities of the character classes from being used until a certain number of hits/combos are performed on enemies - this way, your castrated character classes are even more fun to play because gamers have to WORK THEIR ASSES OFF for the best abilities and subsequent best chance of doubling their characters life span to 6 seconds (if we’re generous and round 5.6 seconds up)…but that’ll never happen because you

6. Take away any accrued hits/combos and the associated benefits every time the player dies - this goes back to the punishment of making a 30-second animation/video for respawning so that players will do everything in their power not to die–not because the game if fun, but because dying is even less fun (somehow) than being alive. But, to add an extra challenge,

5. Make character actions dependent on the direction the camera is facing, not the direction the character is facing - Lord knows this is true to life. If I’m facing north and walking that direction while the camera is behind me, also facing north, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that once I reach a certain point on the sidewalk, the camera is going to quick flip around in front of me (now facing south while I’m still heading north) for a more “cinematic” experience and I’ll therefore need to quick reverse the motion of my legs so they are now moving in what would be a southerly direction if the camera was still facing north because, in order to keep moving north, I need to change my movement based on where north is RELATIVE TO THE CAMERA and since north is now BEHIND the camera, I need to move backwards to keep going forwards. It’s simple physics. Write that down. And while you’re writing, take note to

4. Constantly change the angle of the camera based on where the character moves on the level, especially during heavy combat - this goes hand-in-hand with #5. Having consistent controls based on the direction the character is facing isn’t anywhere near as fun or interesting as having controls that change constantly depending on which way the camera is facing. And you game designers out there can make this exciting aspect of “play” 10 times MORE fun if you

3. Afford players absolutely no control over the camera - this way, they’ll not only be constantly fighting the insanely strong enemies on screen, but they’ll be fighting your brilliantly design cinematic camera experience, too! Remember, seeing what the hell is going on onscreen isn’t a right, it’s a privilege and if people playing your game can’t stay alive longer than 2.3 seconds, they don’t deserve to even SEE what is attacking them.

2. Don’t allow characters any way to carry healing agents and have numerous health-draining effects caused by exploding enemies that have no way of being healed/stopped except by running their natural course or by killing the character - These are just brilliant. You can let players heal, but only by having randomly dropped healing kits/packs/orbs/salves. By not allowing players to carry them (even if they CAN carry 40 different breastplates, 17 sets of boots, 26 swords and a couple battle hammers), you’ve just added another layer of complexity that players need to constantly think about since they don’t know when their next opportunity to heal will be (but it’ll be at least 32.3 seconds from now because they’ll have to play for a couple seconds, spend 15x that amount of time respawning and then fight like hell for another 2 seconds in hopes of getting one of those health orbs that dropped on an enemy halfway across the screen from them. Note: make sure you have at least two or three camera angle changes between wherever the character is and wherever the health dropped). And having poision/fire/radiation effects that can’t be healed make the game intense by potentially cutting playtime down by anywhere from 50-75% because they drain so fast and can’t be stopped. Finally

1. Have boss encounters that REQUIRE only a specific form of combat (melee or ranged) in order to do any damage - Remember the tip about having very specific classes that, for instance, rock the shit out of melee combat but can’t even figure out how to pick up a gun? Well, do the exact opposite, too: a class that is a crack shot with any ranged weapon, but wouldn’t know a broadsword from a butterknife. Then, make sure the end-level/game bosses are completely immune to one of these combat forms so that characters can’t progress. Because beating the game isn’t fun. Getting raped because you don’t know how to create a satisfying gaming experience without excruciating punishment after excruciating punishing is, however, fun.

Bonus: have numerous one-hit-kill-monster encounters with no possible outcome other than player death because, as stated before: more deaths = more fun!

Double bonus: require multiple playthroughs in order to reach the maximum character level and to acquire the game’s best equipment - there’s nothing ANYONE wants to do more than play an incredibly awesome* game mulitple times in order to get the stuff they expected from a single playthrough.

Just…no matter what you do, make sure you’re constantly punishing your customers. They don’t spend $60 on a game to have fun. They spend $60 to get pissed the fuck off at all the awesome* game design decisions you’ve made to help make it the shittiest game possible. Take what I’ve told you into account here and you could design a game possibly more frustrating/annoying/tedious/all-around-piece-of-shit-and-royal-pain-in-the-fucking-ass like Dennis Dyack’s “masterpiece” Too Human. Too human? More like TOO FUCKING AWESOME*!

Fuck you, Dennis, you fat bearded bitch.

*awesome, in this case, takes on one of its lesser-known and lesser-used definitions: “adj. - fucking terrible; most repugnant shit physically possible in the four known dimensions of space and time.”

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How hell did this anchor keep it together for this story? I bet they had to do a dozen takes… wait… I hope he didn’ do that many takes to come up with that lame “hanging chad” line.

Srsly . . . I call shenanigans on this one.

Convicted steroids dealer who gave names to NFL found dead

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3427526&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines

That’s what I thought too until I saw the atrocious lineup of drivel that the big networks are peddling as summer premiers. Granted, I like most folks, will be enjoying the sun more than TV but seriously… can’t we do better than these monstrosities. What if it rains?

Real network descriptions below, sarcasm in italics:

1. Celebrity Circus (NBC) – Celebrities take on the breathtaking world of the circus and cirque acts! Don’t miss this exciting premiere! Hosted by Joey Fatone and featuring Rachel Hunter, a bunch of D-listers and that little guy from Jackass.
2. Greatest American Dog (CBS) – Extraordinary teams of dogs and owners from across the nation will live together and compete against each other in challenges that put the owners’ ability to train their dogs to the test. So… another crappy competition show but this time with delusional dog owners and their “special” friends? No thanks, I’ll pass.
3. Dance Machine (ABC) – Each episode features six real people from all walks of life who will face off against each other in a series of one-on-one dance-offs to the most popular songs of all time. Basically, it’s Dancing with the Stars without the “OH… I remember that old show. He’s still alive?”

Usability guru, Jakob Nielson. Enjoy!